Indian society is structured in a way where biological age is given more importance than emotional readiness when it comes to marriage. As soon as someone crosses 25, the pressure to get married begins to build, and by 28, marriage can become the primary concern, regardless of whether the person is emotionally ready for it or not.
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When it comes to marriage, emotional age can matter more than biological age. Yet, it is a factor that often goes unnoticed and remains largely undiscussed. Emotional maturity can play a crucial role in shaping a relationship, influencing how partners communicate, handle conflicts and navigate life together. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, counselling psychologist, author and life coach Damini Grover decodes why emotional maturity deserves more attention than age difference.
Why does emotional maturity matter in marriage?
“Ready for marriage” is a phrase we often use when we talk about biological age. We often raise questions like: are they old enough? Financially settled? Do they have a stable career? etc. But there’s another kind of age that may be just as important in a relationship - emotional age, and this doesn’t have a number.
According to Damini, just because you’re 30, 35 or 40 doesn’t mean you’re emotionally mature because emotional maturity comes from self-awareness, experience, taking responsibility and our willingness to look back and learn. This is why two individuals of the same biological age can function very differently in a relationship. “Emotional maturity becomes even more important when differences, disagreements, conflicts and difficulties arise,” said Damini.
How to judge someone’s emotional maturity?
Here are the questions you can ask to judge someone's emotional maturity for marriage:
- Can one or both people in a relationship have a disagreement without feeling rejected?
- Can they admit they've hurt their partner without immediately going on the defensive?
- Can they tell the other person what they need, rather than assuming the other person knows?
Can they self-soothe, or do they always need their partner to soothe, reassure, or save them?
These questions will often tell you a lot more about a person’s readiness for marriage than their age will. Also, it is difficult to judge emotional maturity early on in a relationship, as people usually meet each other in favourable circumstances.
The conversations typically revolve around some obvious and superficial things like careers, families, interests, lifestyle choices, and the future. You may know where someone wants to live or if they want kids, but you don’t necessarily know how they react when they’re disappointed, insecure, angry, or overwhelmed. You only get to know these things as time passes.
What happens when there is an emotional maturity gap?
Damini highlighted that when there’s a large gap in emotional maturity, one partner may start to slowly feel like the adult in the relationship. They start hard conversations, solve problems, take responsibility, make practical decisions, and sometimes even manage their partner’s emotions. As a partnership progresses, it can start to feel like a parent-child relationship.
Crucially, emotional maturity isn’t about being chill most of the time or never getting triggered. An adult can be angry, jealous, worried or hurt. The difference is what they do with those emotions, whether they can identify their feelings without placing the entire blame on their partner.
This is why pre-marriage talks need to go beyond what is written on paper. It’s important to ask and give time to understand.
- How do two people deal with conflict?
- When you are angry, what do they do?
- How comfortable are they with saying sorry?
- What does responsibility look like for both of them? etc.
Relationships and people are not perfect, but what matters is whether both people are aligned mentally and emotionally to make things work. You can be of marriageable age and still not have the emotional maturity to sustain a healthy, stable, mature relationship.
Note for the readers: This article is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. Please consult a qualified expert for personalised guidance.