MANILA, Philippines – Who are you spending Valentine’s Day with? A friend? A date? Someone who’s “kind of” your partner but not “officially”? Should you even be celebrating if your current “situationship” is being malabo right now?
At some point, we all face the dreaded DTR (Define the Relationship) talk — defining whatever “fling” or “mutual understanding” we’ve found ourselves in. But why do so many people hesitate to take this important step? What are the signs that it’s time to finally put a label on it?
Relationship therapist, counselor, and author Lissy Ann Puno shares her insights with Rappler on why modern dating makes defining relationships so tricky, why do it and when to do it, and how to avoid the biggest mistakes when doing so.
Why do we avoid it?
“People nowadays seem to hesitate to define a relationship because they may not want anything that will restrict them and take away their freedom,” Lissy Ann told Rappler. “They do not want anything too serious because life is too serious as it is.”
For many, there are deeper fears tied to personal freedom and emotional safety. Some don’t want to set boundaries that dictate do’s and don’ts, while others fear losing control of their lives.
The fear of commitment isn’t always about wanting to “date around” or avoid responsibility. For some, it’s about self-protection — keeping their emotions safe and stable to avoid potential heartbreak. Others might be driven by some form of social anxiety, hoping that the relationship can just progress without initiating an official — and maybe awkward — conversation.
However, this vagueness can often lead to misunderstandings, unspoken expectations, and even heartache.
In a world of dating apps, situationships, and ever-evolving relationship dynamics, it may seem easier to keep things casual, cool, and vague.
But does avoiding the talk serve us? Not really.
When is the right time to DTR?
The question of when to DTR doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all answer. That depends on the dynamics of the relationship. Some couples follow “trending” relationship timelines — Lissy Ann mentioned the 3-month rule, the 10-date rule, and the 3-6-9 month rule found on the internet.
The 3-6-9 month rule means that in 0-6 months, you get to know each other, enjoy the honeymoon phase, and see if you’re a good match. In 6-9 months, you experience daily life together and assess communication, goals, and lifestyles. After 9+ months, that’s when you evaluate long-term compatibility and decide on future commitment.
But Lissy Ann said there is no set timeframe to fully know how you are feeling for another person.
“The key is time to get to know the other person fully. Remember there is no such thing as love at first sight. It takes time for feelings to grow,” she said. What’s most important is to ask yourself these clarifying questions:
- Am I attracted to this person and like this person?
- Do we want and value the same things in life?
- Can we bring out the best in each other?
“The honest and truthful answers to these questions will offer you more helpful information in defining your relationship,” Lissy Ann added. If you answer yes to these questions, then it may be time to determine what kind of relationship you’re in — a “Casual Dating Relationship, Exclusive Dating Relationship, or Committed Dating Relationship”?
Common signs, common mistakes
Watch out for these positive signs too! If you are naturally starting to introduce each other to friends, colleagues, and family, your conversations include future plans, and you both act like a couple even without the official label, then why not DTR already?
“But if you are starting to have certain expectations of each other and find that your needs are not being met, and feelings of frustration and annoyance are beginning to creep in, it might be important to start having conversations about it,” Lissy Ann said.
However, having the talk isn’t just about bringing up the topic — it’s about doing it the right way. Many people make mistakes that can either rush a relationship or push someone away. According to Lissy Ann, some of the biggest boo-boos include:
- Defining the relationship too early and assuming it’s more serious than it actually is
- Acting in ways that don’t align with the true nature of the relationship
- Avoiding the DTR conversation so that things remain vague and uncertain
- Lacking clarity or direction, then feeling disappointed when the relationship doesn’t progress
- Letting the relationship continue undefined, preventing yourself from seeing if the person could truly be “the one”
- Investing time and emotions into someone who doesn’t want the same level of commitment
The best approach is to find a balance — making sure both individuals are on the same page without the pressure of time and expectations.
How to have ‘that talk’
Before deciding if it’s worth it to DTR, Lissy Ann suggests that couples should first focus on emotional closeness and shared experiences through proper communication.
“Communicate to achieve emotional closeness, communicate ways to have recreational fun with each other, communicate in ways that are open and honest, communicate your intellectual interests, Communicate how you can connect with each other in a safe way,” she said.
Emotional closeness — which is one of the main goals of a relationship, and involves your thoughts, feelings, dreams, passions, and desires — will naturally develop.
“Hopefully, this is the kind of relationship you would like to define. You want ‘to be known’ to the other for them to determine whether a relationship with you will give them all that they need,” Lissy Ann said.
What if it doesn’t turn out as expected?
Having the conversation is a risk, but it needs to be taken.
That’s why it is best to take a relationship slowly, Lissy Ann said, so you are not “assuming,” being “delulu,” or missing the cues of what the other party is conveying. This way, you can know exactly what to expect and won’t feel blindsided or hurt.
“Your expectation should be consistent with what is being offered. Don’t make it more than it really is,” she said.
And if the other party doesn’t react the way you expected after the talk? Then you need to accept where they are at and how they are feeling about you, Lissy Ann said. “Better to know sooner than later.”
“How to move on will depend on how much time has been invested in the relationship. If it didn’t turn out the way you thought it would, it is important to remind yourself of your worth and practice self-care.
“Avoid self-blame, and try to understand why things didn’t work out between the two of you. Find the logic in the explanation that is acceptable to you,” Lissy Ann said.
Take this learning opportunity to connect more deeply with friends, or even make new ones. Do the things you love doing, and enjoy leisurely hobbies. Understand there is a time for grieving the loss; allow this to happen. “You can consider dating again after a period of time,” Lissy Ann said, but taking care of yourself first should be paramount — give yourself time to honor your feelings, and then move forward.
Defining the relationship can be nerve-wracking, but avoiding the conversation only leads to more uncertainty and inevitable pain. You deserve clarity, peace, and the space for a healthy and happy relationship to flourish and grow. – Rappler.com