Finally we have an answer to the eternal question: Could Max Verstappen win a go-kart race against 100 influencers if he started from the back of the grid? The answer, after a wearing two-hour broadcast on Disney Plus is: yep. Thank goodness that is settled, now onto the other great imponderables: Schrödinger’s cat, the Ship of Theseus, how to get cling film to stick to what you want it to and not to itself.
This was Max vs 100, a sponsored Red Bull stunt from the Mr Beast school: Make it bigger, make it sillier, and find a premise that no sane human has ever considered. “I lived in a PETROL STATION for a month eating only CHEWITS chained to a SQUIRREL!” etc.
You could not accuse Verstappen of reaching the default over-excited YouTube tone with his pre-event words at the Spanish Grand Prix last weekend: “I’ll just rock up and have a good time, to be honest,” he said. “Let’s see how it goes. But yeah, it’s a lot of people.” The searing insight we have come to expect from professional sport.
The names of 85 of the 100 drivers were released before the race and perhaps unsurprisingly for a 42-year-old who has worked for The Telegraph for 15 years, I recognised two. A damning indictment of my credentials as a hip young content-enjoyer, but there was still plenty to glean from perusing the list.
Ultrarunner Arda Saatçi, basketball shooting phenomenon Chris “Lethal Shooter” Matthews and freestyle mountain biker Matt Jones all offered legitimate sporting credentials. Then a baffling litany of streamers and creators from around the world, many from the motorsport “space”. TheDonato, (THE TheDonato?!) MrCarSounds (wonder what his shtick is?) and various potential future Wifi passwords: iiTzTimmy, Nnnurdaylet, la4awale.
Our hosts were Mo Gilligan and Nicki Shields, both so excited that they must have made full use of thecomplimentary energy drinks. Martin Brundle was spared the longest gridwalk in history, but the viewer endured a full hour of pre-race which could and should have been 15 minutes of build-up and a brief summary of the rules: Silverstone, special track, 30 laps, once Verstappen passes you are out, and one opportunity to cut a corner per racer.
Insight was at a premium. Pieface23 said Verstappen is “quite fast”. “I am a climber, I have no idea what I’m doing here,” Janja Garnbret offered and at one point Gilligan said: “We’ve even got someone who’s got his own podcast.” Colour me astonished.
The premise unravelled somewhat on the opening lap, with a predictable pile-up of backmarkers and Verstappen overtaking 64 competitors to reach 37th from 101st. Then there was a yellow flag, which slightly dampened the excitement, although not for hypeman commentator Alex Jacques. “This is really happening!” he told us at one point, incredulous.
There were many opportunities to hear from the racers throughout which led to observations like “Max this is so stressful!” from QueenB, live from 20th place. “Yes it is,” replied Verstappen, in pursuit, who was into the top 10 by lap six.
Sensing that this big-budget spectacular was in danger of wrapping up far earlier than planned the rules were changed on the hoof. The four racers still ahead of Verstappen were allowed an extra go on the shortcut route then the concept of laps was abandoned, with Verstappen about to win in embarrassingly few. We switched to a countdown clock instead, which did not help with any lingering sense of jeopardy.
Nevertheless the broadcasting tone of hilarious disbelief did not waver and there was no need for the bluster, really. This was perfectly agreeable grazing fare, meaningless without doubt, but occasionally fun. Verstappen came out of it well, chatty and relaxed, presumably because it was the least stressful race he has been involved with since the egg and spoon event at his primary school sportsday.
It took Verstappen 35 minutes in the end, or [redacted] laps. A reminder of how far ahead elite sportspeople are of even accomplished amateurs, even if most of their experience has come on Playstations. As a race it was impossible to follow and even harder to care about. But as two-hour live spectaculars go, this was a pretty good 10-minute YouTube video.