The votes are in and have been counted and verified. The nation has decided and I can now reveal that – nobody gives a monkey’s about the new director-general of the BBC. The only appointment that matters is who gets the Strictly mic.
One job governs the corporation. The other exercises dominion over Saturday night. And unless the producers get the casting just right, the glitterball – literally and figuratively – will be shattered beyond repair.
The name on everyone’s lips this week was no, not Matt Brittin, the former Google bigwig set to hit the refresh button on our national broadcaster, but Miranda Hart, the comic actress. Could she be a contender?
“Noooooooo,” comes the unequivocal response from my superfan sister-in-law. I’ve no idea why she’s marked Miranda down, given no less an august organ than The Radio Times said she was “reportedly in ‘secret talks’ to replace Claudia”. But maybe she’s worried about her inherent ungainliness; to be fair, the laugh-out-loud pratfalls in Miranda’s eponymous sitcom were worryingly good.
My armchair expert has been even more withering about Alan Carr: “Funny, but he would make it all about him.” A good job he’s not available anyway as he’s embarking on a Have I Said Too Much? tour starting in January next year.
She was, however, surprisingly amenable to Rylan – “He’s very camp, but then so is Strictly!” – even if mentions of his pal Mel Giedroyc failed to fire her up. “She’s very likeable but it would come across as a try-too-hard attempt to directly replace Claudia’s battiness, which would be a mistake.”
Five professional dancers are reportedly being axed ahead of the next series, among them the hugely popular Nadiya Bychkova and veteran pro Gorka Marquez. A shake-up or an act of self-harm? Only time will tell.
The smart money is on Zoe Ball to host, bookies’ favourite and darling of absolutely everyone. She hosted the show’s It Takes Two spin-off for 10 years and did an excellent job subbing for Claudia during a three-week absence in 2014.
She has a relaxed on-screen presence and was herself a contestant in 2005 when she came third (behind Colin Jackson and cricketer Darren Gough), so she knows exactly what the celebrities will be going through.
And while Strictly loyalists enjoy warmth and banter, they take their dancing very seriously – so a decent modicum of knowledge is crucial; wisecracking comedians who don’t know a samba from a rumba would hit the wrong note.
But the aim – as ever – is to attract new viewers while keeping the regular audience happy. If Zoe’s in place they can afford to take a chance; rumour has it that Strictly bosses are considering a roster of three presenters, which gives them more leeway in playing a wild card.
I know, what about Matt Brittin? See, we’ve forgotten Mr Google’s name already. What we crave isn’t an algorithm but sofa escapism, a dopamine distraction from reality – that’s why it matters.
Strictly Come Dancing is the jewel in the BBC’s light entertainment crown; heavy lies the head and all that. Come the dark days of autumn, licence-fee payers demand to be dazzled.