In 1964 United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart said it was hard to define hardcore pornography “but I know it when I see it”. Justice Stewart could have been talking about footballing cult heroes, if the Supreme Court decided to make rulings on British sport.
Given the ongoing US government shutdown we will have to soldier on and form our own definition of a cult hero. Good, possibly great, but never a club’s best ever player. Beloved by neutrals to some degree, perhaps due to particular prowess in a niche area: usefulness within a video game, excellent at a specific skill, memorable gait. Equally, not universally loved, hence the “cult” bit.
Transcending football culture in some way helps. Perhaps they have some maverick quality or, unusually for footballers, some suggestion of hinterland. Probably they are quite poorly-behaved at times. Broadly it is much easier to attain cult status by being outstanding, possibly only briefly, in an otherwise average team.
Younger football fans are fond of saying the “streets won’t forget” players of this ilk, the sort who would struggle to make best XIs of their era but stick in the memory regardless.
If you know, you know, in other words. Do we? Let us find out.
10. Mario Balotelli
You can make the case that Balotelli is the link from Manchester City’s chaotic past to its garlanded present. A genuine maverick, even a decade ago when there were fewer early-to-bed high-performance bores. Some fireworks on the pitch, including playing a crucial role in Sergio Aguero’s title-winner on the final day in 2011-12. Some fireworks off it, too, to the annoyance of his neighbours and the Greater Manchester police. Why Always Me? was one of the last truly memorable goal celebrations. A disaster to manage, but that’s not our problem is it?
9. Adel Taarabt
The Moroccan’s best work came in the Championship when he was one of the most patently over-qualified players to ever spend a season in the English second tier. Many defenders who faced him are forever traumatised by his remorseless nutmegs. Still remembered by more than QPR fans for his brief appearances for Spurs in the top flight and a handful of absurd goals for Rangers after their promotion. Ultimately failed to make the most of his immense gifts but few shone more brightly during their best days.
8. Morten Gamst Pedersen
Scored twice at Old Trafford in a Blackburn win which is enough to secure immortality in Blackburn. Good at several things which gave him broader appeal: long-range screamers, free-kicks, pulling off a general look which was more suited to the rhythm section of a mid-tier indie band. Also switched from “Pedersen” to just “Gamst” on the back of his shirts, which seemed tremendously exotic.
7. Divock Origi
Perhaps not as widely enjoyed as some others on this list but affection with which he is regarded on Merseyside powers him into contention. A sure-fire way to win hearts and minds if you are slightly below the standard of your team-mates yet responsible for memorable moments anyway. Decisive interventions against Barcelona and Tottenham on the way to Champions League glory in 2019 followed a memorable winner against Everton the previous year. The era of the super-sub is largely behind us, but Origi raged against the dying of that light.
6. Ray Parlour
Hard not to warm too, not least for the comeuppance he gave to Tim Lovejoy, the former Soccer Am host, when the presenter was a celebrity “fanzone” representative for Chelsea in the 2002 FA Cup final. “It’s only Ray Parlour,” said Lovejoy as the midfielder strolled into space on the ball well outside the penalty area. Parlour then scored. He looked like he enjoyed every moment of his playing career, which tends to endear you to British fans, and his post-retirement reputation as an elite-level pintsman does him no harm either.
5. Ivan Campo
Bolton in the mid 2000s were a puzzling aberration, with Sam Allardyce signing players like he was cheating on Football Manager. While some were merely passing through, others fell in love with Bolton. In its defence, it has a cracking textile mill steam engine museum. Campo finished his six-year stay in Greater Manchester with 194 appearances. Sammy Lee attempted to freeze him out after replacing Allardyce but eventually brought Campo back into the team, as dominant as ever in central midfield. Superb hair.
4. Dimitar Berbatov
A beautiful footballer in the finest tradition of Spurs, as their supporters like to imagine them. Flair and silk, allayed with power. Fond of a cigarette. Extremely cool. Should stress to any public health officials reading that those two things are unrelated. Arguably descended from cult-hero status when he joined Manchester United, which is an immediate black mark against you in many neutrals’ eyes. His presence merely improved an already terrifying team which contained Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez. But earned some goodwill back with two suave years at Fulham.
3. Tony Yeboah
Famous for two goals, but what goals. The first came on August 21 1995, Leeds United’s first home game of the season against Liverpool, an absurd volley from a range that 90s strikers did not generally attempt to shoot from. The second, just 33 days later, at Selhurst Park against Wimbledon was laughable in its audacity: chest, knee, glib dismissal of defender, thunderbolt. Looked the part in a gorgeously simple kit, long sleeves pulled halfway up his forearms. He briefly appeared unstoppable, and his legend was only burnished by how quickly he departed the stage.
2. Georgi Kinkladze
There is a megaviral tweet from a few years ago by E.M. Hudson who observed “Dudes can literally just sit around and name old sports players and just have the best time”. In this context, Kinkladze’s name brings the house down. Playing for Manchester City during one of their deeply depressing spells he was a magician. Made friends with Oasis, of course, and stuck with City despite relegation, only leaving when they dropped into the third tier. Enjoyably short.
1. Paulo Di Canio
Everyone has their favourite Di Canio moment. The good (the wonderful scissor-kick volley against Wimbledon), the bad (pushing over wobbly ref Paul Alcock), the smug (catching a ball at Goodison Park as it was crossed into the box, because Everton had a player down injured). Of course there was also an ill-advised stiff-armed salute to some Lazio fans, but that happened in his Serie A days. Not a cuddly character, and has done more than most to earn opprobrium. But the love for him runs deep among West Ham fans and elsewhere. Therefore, a true cult hero.